I don't have a problem tooting my own horn (insert Bender from Futurama: "He toots it too much if you ask me! Woooooooooooo"), but I think I'm pretty good at a few things. I'm not fantastic at anything, but I think I'm competent and passable at a multitude of things. I would consider myself a jack of all trades and master of none, and that bothers me.
We have become a nation of people who fit that same description. American craftsmanship is hard to find as its rare to find someone who takes one particular job and dedicates a lifetime to refining and perfecting it. Some of this can be traced back to the "hippie" movement because children saw that lifestyle as the lifestyle of their parents and wanted to rebel against it but I think a large part of this blame goes to an unexpected cause - the American College Application.
What is drilled into every high school student who wants to get into a good college? "Keep busy. Do a lot of activities. Try at least one sport and one academic activity - it will look good on your college application!." It was a goal of mine in high school to have the longest list of clubs and activities under my name in the senior year book. I wanted to blow everybody out of the water when it came to activities so I was in Debate, Forensics, ACE (Academic Challenge in some schools), Tennis, Marching Band, Jazz Band, Symphonic Band, you name it. To me my self worth was based on what college I went to and the college I attended was directly related to how many activities in which I participated. Ergo, my self worth was directly related to how many activities I had behind my name. In an ironic twist of fate, I was actually so busy my senior year that I forget to turn in the form to the yearbook committee with all my activities so none of them were listed in my senior yearbook. D'oh!
I, like many high schoolers, did WAY too many things and I wouldn't say I was particularly great at any of them. I won awards in Debate and Forensics but wasn't the best. I was a minor contributor to the ACE team and I honestly should have been kicked out of Jazz Band because I did not play guitar well enough to deserve to sit on that stage but to me it wasn't the quality of work that was important but the quantity and to some extent I still find that to be true.
We see this today still in high schools as the competition for college admissions becomes more and more competitive and in business where companies expect their employees to be versatile and knowledgeable in many different areas. Employees must be cross-trained. Everyone should know how to do everyone else's job just in case. Great, so now instead of having 5 people who are experts at 1 job each I have 5 people who can half-ass their way through 5 different jobs. It's not a race to be good, it's a race to be active and that's a huge problem for the country. Everyone needs to be busy! Until we can find a way to recognize people for taking the time to perfect an act rather just showing that they can multitask through a hundred different things, we'll continue the current trends of a decrease in the quality of American workmanship, an increase in the number of career jumpers, and an increase in high schooler deaths resulting from decisions made (like drinking too many energy drinks) in order to keep up with a rat race that targets participants younger and younger.
I don't regret my college choice by any means. I think going to UVa was one of the best things that ever happened to me, but I regret that in order to do so I developed a mindset that valued quantity over quality and that that mindset has dominated my life for the last 15 years. In an ADD world of GO GO GO, I want to stop stop stop. I want to sit down and not just be competent at something but be really, really good at it. The first step to breaking out of a pattern is to realize you're stuck in one in the first place. That realization took me 15 years. I hope the next steps don't take that long.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Hypocrite
I'm a hypocrite. Sometimes I realize I'm doing it and other times I don't. I started off wanting to write this post about my fear of taking medication, but then I realized that even though I don't want to take prescriptions because I don't want to be dependent on them, I self-medicate a considerable amount with alcohol and it would be difficult to say I'm not dependent on that to some extent.
I wonder if I could be a better, higher functioning adult if I got over my fear of prescription meds. I have no shortage of issues that probably should be medicated including my depression, borderline personality disorder, and sleep apnea but I'd much rather self-medicate with coffee and bourbon. I know that part of why I avoid prescription meds is that the cost can be prohibitive, but I also intensely believe that I can do this on my own and I don't need anyone or anything's help. The times I've taken medication (like after my nervous breakdown), I only took it long enough to get back to a functioning state and then I was off and on my own again.
Just because I can do it on my own, that doesn't make it the best option. Sure I'm getting by right now but maybe things would be better. Maybe my mood would be more stable, my personality less volatile, and my energy level higher if I had a strict prescription drug regimen. On the other hand, maybe I would become a person who feels they have to have their medication in order to function and that is my ultimate fear. I do not want to become that person. I know and understand there is a middle ground there where the medication is helpful but you don't feel like you "have to have it" in order to get through the day, but again - me and the middle ground aren't usually on the same page.
A characteristic of individuals with borderline personality disorder is that everything is taken to the extreme. It's either great or it's bad. You're with me or you're against me. We're friends or enemies. I try to stick to the middle as best I can and I'm sure it's makes me a little boring, but I really can't get to the middle when it comes to these medications. I think seeing how some of my family members were dependent on them has just scared the bejeesus out of me and even though I can accept they could be beneficial, it's a door that I find myself standing at the door knob, unable to turn the knob and step through the threshold. I'm scared that if I walk through the door I'll take it to the extreme and to a level from which I'll not be able to recover. Yet I drink to cope just fine. Such a hypocrite.
I wonder if I could be a better, higher functioning adult if I got over my fear of prescription meds. I have no shortage of issues that probably should be medicated including my depression, borderline personality disorder, and sleep apnea but I'd much rather self-medicate with coffee and bourbon. I know that part of why I avoid prescription meds is that the cost can be prohibitive, but I also intensely believe that I can do this on my own and I don't need anyone or anything's help. The times I've taken medication (like after my nervous breakdown), I only took it long enough to get back to a functioning state and then I was off and on my own again.
Just because I can do it on my own, that doesn't make it the best option. Sure I'm getting by right now but maybe things would be better. Maybe my mood would be more stable, my personality less volatile, and my energy level higher if I had a strict prescription drug regimen. On the other hand, maybe I would become a person who feels they have to have their medication in order to function and that is my ultimate fear. I do not want to become that person. I know and understand there is a middle ground there where the medication is helpful but you don't feel like you "have to have it" in order to get through the day, but again - me and the middle ground aren't usually on the same page.
A characteristic of individuals with borderline personality disorder is that everything is taken to the extreme. It's either great or it's bad. You're with me or you're against me. We're friends or enemies. I try to stick to the middle as best I can and I'm sure it's makes me a little boring, but I really can't get to the middle when it comes to these medications. I think seeing how some of my family members were dependent on them has just scared the bejeesus out of me and even though I can accept they could be beneficial, it's a door that I find myself standing at the door knob, unable to turn the knob and step through the threshold. I'm scared that if I walk through the door I'll take it to the extreme and to a level from which I'll not be able to recover. Yet I drink to cope just fine. Such a hypocrite.
Popping the bubble (and not in the March Madness sense)
It's possible to fully isolate yourself from the outside world. You move to a cabin in the middle of nowhere, cut the phone line, and live off the fruits of the land. No information arrives or leaves - pure isolation. This is completely possible.
However, it's not quite so easy to try and isolate yourself while still in the midst of society. How do you build a bubble around yourself while still going to a 8:30-5 job, going to classes, seeing friends and while generally trying to act like a normally functioning member of society. I'd argue that it's impossible yet this is exactly what I've been trying to do for the last decade.
I've had my bubble since high school and not only did I allow only certain people access to my bubble, but I also had this ridiculous idea that I could maintain this bubble without anyone knowing it existed. I thought I could hide the long-term emotional issues I had from society through a facade and that if I didn't tell someone I had issues, they'd never know.
How presumptuous and preposterous was that idea!? I legitimately thought I was smarter and better at this than everyone else and people would only see what I allowed them to see and I thought I could do this for years! The fact that nobody called me out on this is less a testament to how great I thought I was and more a testament to how patient and considerate the people around me were. I would have called out someone like me in a heartbeat but since no one called me out, I kept thinking the plan was perfect. Dumbass.
I realize now that everyone who knew me knew that I had rather obvious issues and whereas I thought they they all were oblivious to my problems, it was actually me who was oblivious to the fact that everyone knew that the wires in my head weren't making a complete circuit. It's disrespectful towards everyone who I ever considered a friend to assume that they weren't smart enough to realize that I had things going on but it's also an atrocity on my part because if I had realized that they had known all along and still wanted to be my friend, I would have know that my support circle was actually much much larger than what I had previously thought. Here I was, thinking I was all alone in my own head when in reality I had a lot of friends who were by my side, waiting to help if I ever felt the need to ask. To all those friends - thank you for being there and I'm sorry for thinking that you weren't observant enough to realize what was going on with me. I was the one who was (and still is) unobservant.
I've been a very bad friend to a lot of people over the years and I haven't given a lot of explanation for it. I've bailed on parties, gatherings, commitments, and the things that friends do for each other because I haven't been able to get the things in my own head straight. I didn't explain myself because I didn't think anyone would understand when actually, all my friends would have understood if I had just talked to them.
I'm sorry for being an unreliable friend and I'm thankful that all the people I've been a space-cadet to in the past continue to give me second and third chances to maintain our friendship. I'm a very fortunate guy.
However, it's not quite so easy to try and isolate yourself while still in the midst of society. How do you build a bubble around yourself while still going to a 8:30-5 job, going to classes, seeing friends and while generally trying to act like a normally functioning member of society. I'd argue that it's impossible yet this is exactly what I've been trying to do for the last decade.
I've had my bubble since high school and not only did I allow only certain people access to my bubble, but I also had this ridiculous idea that I could maintain this bubble without anyone knowing it existed. I thought I could hide the long-term emotional issues I had from society through a facade and that if I didn't tell someone I had issues, they'd never know.
How presumptuous and preposterous was that idea!? I legitimately thought I was smarter and better at this than everyone else and people would only see what I allowed them to see and I thought I could do this for years! The fact that nobody called me out on this is less a testament to how great I thought I was and more a testament to how patient and considerate the people around me were. I would have called out someone like me in a heartbeat but since no one called me out, I kept thinking the plan was perfect. Dumbass.
I realize now that everyone who knew me knew that I had rather obvious issues and whereas I thought they they all were oblivious to my problems, it was actually me who was oblivious to the fact that everyone knew that the wires in my head weren't making a complete circuit. It's disrespectful towards everyone who I ever considered a friend to assume that they weren't smart enough to realize that I had things going on but it's also an atrocity on my part because if I had realized that they had known all along and still wanted to be my friend, I would have know that my support circle was actually much much larger than what I had previously thought. Here I was, thinking I was all alone in my own head when in reality I had a lot of friends who were by my side, waiting to help if I ever felt the need to ask. To all those friends - thank you for being there and I'm sorry for thinking that you weren't observant enough to realize what was going on with me. I was the one who was (and still is) unobservant.
I've been a very bad friend to a lot of people over the years and I haven't given a lot of explanation for it. I've bailed on parties, gatherings, commitments, and the things that friends do for each other because I haven't been able to get the things in my own head straight. I didn't explain myself because I didn't think anyone would understand when actually, all my friends would have understood if I had just talked to them.
I'm sorry for being an unreliable friend and I'm thankful that all the people I've been a space-cadet to in the past continue to give me second and third chances to maintain our friendship. I'm a very fortunate guy.
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