Hypocrite

I'm a hypocrite.  Sometimes I realize I'm doing it and other times I don't.  I started off wanting to write this post about my fear of taking medication, but then I realized that even though I don't want to take prescriptions because I don't want to be dependent on them, I self-medicate a considerable amount with alcohol and it would be difficult to say I'm not dependent on that to some extent.

I wonder if I could be a better, higher functioning adult if I got over my fear of prescription meds.  I have no shortage of issues that probably should be medicated including my depression, borderline personality disorder, and sleep apnea but I'd much rather self-medicate with coffee and bourbon.  I know that part of why I avoid prescription meds is that the cost can be prohibitive, but I also intensely believe that I can do this on my own and I don't need anyone or anything's help.  The times I've taken medication (like after my nervous breakdown), I only took it long enough to get back to a functioning state and then I was off and on my own again.

Just because I can do it on my own, that doesn't make it the best option.  Sure I'm getting by right now but maybe things would be better.  Maybe my mood would be more stable, my personality less volatile, and my energy level higher if I had a strict prescription drug regimen.  On the other hand, maybe I would become a person who feels they have to have their medication in order to function and that is my ultimate fear.  I do not want to become that person.  I know and understand there is a middle ground there where the medication is helpful but you don't feel like you "have to have it" in order to get through the day, but again - me and the middle ground aren't usually on the same page.

A characteristic of individuals with borderline personality disorder is that everything is taken to the extreme.  It's either great or it's bad.  You're with me or you're against me.  We're friends or enemies.  I try to stick to the middle as best I can and I'm sure it's makes me a little boring, but I really can't get to the middle when it comes to these medications.  I think seeing how some of my family members were dependent on them has just scared the bejeesus out of me and even though I can accept they could be beneficial, it's a door that I find myself standing at the door knob, unable to turn the knob and step through the threshold.  I'm scared that if I walk through the door I'll take it to the extreme and to a level from which I'll not be able to recover.  Yet I drink to cope just fine.  Such a hypocrite.