It's possible to fully isolate yourself from the outside world. You move to a cabin in the middle of nowhere, cut the phone line, and live off the fruits of the land. No information arrives or leaves - pure isolation. This is completely possible.
However, it's not quite so easy to try and isolate yourself while still in the midst of society. How do you build a bubble around yourself while still going to a 8:30-5 job, going to classes, seeing friends and while generally trying to act like a normally functioning member of society. I'd argue that it's impossible yet this is exactly what I've been trying to do for the last decade.
I've had my bubble since high school and not only did I allow only certain people access to my bubble, but I also had this ridiculous idea that I could maintain this bubble without anyone knowing it existed. I thought I could hide the long-term emotional issues I had from society through a facade and that if I didn't tell someone I had issues, they'd never know.
How presumptuous and preposterous was that idea!? I legitimately thought I was smarter and better at this than everyone else and people would only see what I allowed them to see and I thought I could do this for years! The fact that nobody called me out on this is less a testament to how great I thought I was and more a testament to how patient and considerate the people around me were. I would have called out someone like me in a heartbeat but since no one called me out, I kept thinking the plan was perfect. Dumbass.
I realize now that everyone who knew me knew that I had rather obvious issues and whereas I thought they they all were oblivious to my problems, it was actually me who was oblivious to the fact that everyone knew that the wires in my head weren't making a complete circuit. It's disrespectful towards everyone who I ever considered a friend to assume that they weren't smart enough to realize that I had things going on but it's also an atrocity on my part because if I had realized that they had known all along and still wanted to be my friend, I would have know that my support circle was actually much much larger than what I had previously thought. Here I was, thinking I was all alone in my own head when in reality I had a lot of friends who were by my side, waiting to help if I ever felt the need to ask. To all those friends - thank you for being there and I'm sorry for thinking that you weren't observant enough to realize what was going on with me. I was the one who was (and still is) unobservant.
I've been a very bad friend to a lot of people over the years and I haven't given a lot of explanation for it. I've bailed on parties, gatherings, commitments, and the things that friends do for each other because I haven't been able to get the things in my own head straight. I didn't explain myself because I didn't think anyone would understand when actually, all my friends would have understood if I had just talked to them.
I'm sorry for being an unreliable friend and I'm thankful that all the people I've been a space-cadet to in the past continue to give me second and third chances to maintain our friendship. I'm a very fortunate guy.
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